you pull my heart out
by dreamsandteethmarks
Summary: A gun fires. A body is falling to the ground. Everything is shattering.


_so you pull my heart out and I don't mind bleeding any of the time you keep me waiting, waiting, waiting._

It's said that there is a calm before the storm. When the dogs stop barking and the birds stop singing. The cars and people vanish into the background. You hear the beating of your heart in your ears like a marching band. You feel the bubbling of anxiety in your stomach and taste the fear on your tongue. Then the quietness abruptly ceases. Everything acquires movement, speed, and finally, finally the storm hits you. Maybe your life changes forever and all you can do is cling to the memories of before. Waves of craving and regret leave you empty, so you try to fill the void with 'what ifs' that only succeed in weighing you down.

A gun fires.

A body is falling to the ground.

Everything is shattering.

* * *

It's Tuesday and it seems like each cloud is darker than the last. The team has been following one of Jane's tattoos for about a week now. Their first breakthrough leads them to a grocery store. It is supposed to be merely an inspection, to talk to the owner and to show a picture of the victim. In and out. No complications.

When they enter the building, Zapata and Weller move to talk with the owner, a little old man, balding and with a patch over the left eye. Reade and Jane search the back of the grocery for any information that could lead to the whereabouts of the victim. They opened the stockroom only to find a group of men sitting at a table, talking and laughing loudly. There was a chillingly still moment as both parties processed the others presence before chaos broke loose. Guns pointed, four to two, the table now functioning as a barrier. Reade and Jane quickly take cover behind the door, guns firmly in hand. Then the exchange of bullets begins, Reade shoots the man to his right in the kneecap as Jane shoots the guy standing behind the table in the shoulder. They can hear Zapata and Weller's voices in the background, shouting and running to them. When they get there, only Reade is sitting in the corridor, his hands red as they pressed against his leg. Three bodies, two of them still moving, are scattered across the room

"Where is Jane?" Weller barks, his voice thick with concern.

"She just ran through the back door, chasing the other man" grunts Reade, with visible pain in his words, "Go, I'm fine."

Weller and Zapata run through the backdoor and down an alley. Time seems stop and stretch at the same time. Each footstep heavy as it trails the last. Suddenly, they hear a gunshot followed by a thud as Jane's falling body comes into view. Kurt Weller's world goes silent as his heart breaks

Weller stumbles to Jane, crumbling to the floor beside her. All he can see is the gaping hole that bullet left in her abdomen. Zapata's muffled voice comes through to him. "She's still breathing…. HEY! She's still breathing, Weller," Zapata shooks him. "Put pressure on her wound and I'll call an ambulance."

Weller dumbly reaches for Jane's injury, covering the wound with both hands. "Come on, Jane, hold on. Look at me. The ambulance is coming, you have to hold on just a little longer." There is too much blood and Weller feels himself panicking. He looks down to see his hands drowning in a sea of red. "Everything it's going to be okay. You will be okay", Weller whispers into her hair.

The desperation in Weller's voice, the firmness of his hands, and the sensation of breathed words in her hair are the only things Jane is registering. Her physical pain is lessened, despite the devastation of her torn flesh, Weller makes her feel safe. The safest she's felt in weeks, actually. This physical pain mirrors the agony of the distance that Weller has imposed between them. Ever since she disclosed her last encounter with Oscar to the team, Weller has been distant. Even when she attempted to approach him directly, he would withdraw from her. She craved those reassuring touches, wishful looks, soft words or even those so rare smiles. He was cold and suspicious, harsh in his words, unreachable and untouchable. Even after the team had surpassed their initial caution, she felt like a lost woman walking for weeks in a desert of acceptance, a woman without north, so in the present moment his warm felt like a miracle. And before closing her eyes and losing touch with the world, she couldn't stop herself from smiling and thinking that this was not a bad way to bid farewell.

* * *

 _Beep. Beep. Beep._

This is the first thing Jane hears as she overcomes the vagueness. The next thing she senses is a hand folded into hers, holding it lightly. She knows instinctively to whom the hand belongs, because she would recognize those rough fingers anywhere, yet still capable of such a gentle touch. There is a warm that she can only get from Kurt's skin, like coming home for Christmas or diving in a tepid bath. It begins where he touches it and travels though all her surface, sinking her soul in a blessing lullaby, whilst also waking a hunger in her body. She knows he's a madness to which she would surrender eagerly.

She opens her eyes and what she sees abducts every strengtht she has. Kurt is there, sleeping and looking extremely tired. He looks so small, his entire large figure in the tiny chair next to the bed, in crumpled clothes. Jane fights to keep awake, to not lose the sight of this sweet man, but all her senses feel too heavy and she backs down from the fight, closing her eyes.

The next time she opens her eyes, isn't Kurt who's holding her hand, but Patterson. The watery smile the blonde throws at her is so bright that warms her body and soul the same way the sun would. Or even more. A few minutes later, Reade and Zapata are there, all smiling. Jane waits, but Kurt never comes through the door. The disappointment must be apparent in Jane's face because her friends exchange a knowing look, but they don't mention it.

Days go by and there is no sign of Kurt. Jane feels like exploding. She thought that things would be back to normal, that all was forgotten and forgiven. They would face their doubts and fears together. Now she knows better. She remembers saying to him once that they were in this together, but right now she never felt so alone. She feels like a fool. Patterson is keeping her company, the only thing stopping her from diving into a an encompassing sorrow. Jane can't wait anymore and asks "Why didn't he come to visit me? Is he still so angry that doesn't care anymore for me? I swore I thought he was sitting in that chair when I first woke up."

"Jane, he was here, every day and night after you were shot. He didn't leave your side for a minute. Reade almost had to drag him to shower and change. He looked so wounded," Patterson says, patting her in the hand "Just let him have some more time, don't give up on him now."

"But I can't wait forever. You guys are his team, and I would never do anything to screw that up. Maybe we collided too much, and we are beyond fixable and now I don't know where I stand," Jane tries to reason, but fortunately the conversation is interrupted by Reade and Zapata's arrival. The truth is that losing them, her friends, her family, scares her more than death, because they are literally everything she has, everyone she knows.

The afternoon passes by with a marathon of old movies that Patterson classifies as classics and the constant bickering between Reade and Zapata. Between all the laughs, Jane can't stop herself hoping to not lose this. When it's time to head home, Reade asks if he can stay a little longer, much to Jane's surprise. As Patterson is leaving, she pauses at the door and turns back. "We are your team too," she says with a soft smile.

Reade takes a seat in the chair next to the bed and clears his throat before speaking. "I'm sorry Jane… for this happening to you, I should have your back better."

"Don't say that Reade, it wasn't your fault and you have my back. I have never doubted that," Jane says firmly, "But thanks," she says more gently, not wanting another member of the team seeing her as a weakness, as a reflection of guilt.

"We both know that I wasn't the most welcoming guy when you first came in, I was wary and alert. I thought I was just looking out for my team. Before you, we already were a well-oiled machine, everyone a piece of the engine, with our space and function, our strengths and weaknesses known. And I thought that you were going to be that little portion of dust that would destroy our balance, but I was wrong, you made us even better, stronger" Reade says, and then picks up Jane's hand and adds "You are a part of this team, as much as I am, and you are my friend. I'm so happy you are okay."

* * *

For most of the two recovery months spent in the hospital, Jane was surrounded by her friends, catching up on pop culture and Kurt's name was left unsaid. His absence is the elephant in the room, the silent question and the loudest answer. Her feelings towards the man waivered and shifted. The sadness turned into betrayal and festered into loathing. How could he abandon her and never looked back? She couldn't understand and she hated him for it.

When Jane is finally cleared out of the hospital, it's decided that she will stay with Patterson for a couple of weeks, to adjust again to the real world. Jane knows that she is not expected at the FBI for three weeks, but the moment she puts her feet down outside of the hospital, she is mortified of seeing Kurt again. She doesn't know what her future holds, and she was never a good person at waiting.

Three weeks go by and Jane grows restless, an aura of anxiety covering her every actions. She stops taking the pills the doctor prescribed and her nights cease to be peaceful, becoming a dance of tossing and turning. Most of the days, when moon turns into the sun, Jane hasn't closed her eyes yet. So the vestiges of her sleepless nights became tangible, and she can see the worry in Patterson's eyes.

"I know you don't want to talk about him, but it's not just you who looks like this, like a half-zombie person. Kurt has the same dark circles around his eyes, most of the time, he looks like shit. He misses you," Patterson looks tired of this dance as well.

"And whose fault is that? He is the one who ran away and never came back. I know things weren't great before I was shot, but this is too much. He never came to see me. Never!" Jane screams. She looks down to see her hands shaking, and just like that all the tears that were so well stored behind her eyes, spill out. Patterson holds her until the sobbing stops.

* * *

 _There is blood everywhere. He can taste it in the air, he can feel it in his skin. He tries his best to press his hands to the wound, but it's not enough, and blood flows between his fingers. It is all his fault. He sees as the life slips out of her body and he can't do anything. He's not good enough, and he's going to lose her again._

And again. And again. And again.

It is what happens whenever sleep wins over him. For three months, he's been having this nightmare. He knows he is acting like a prick and a coward for avoiding Jane, and that she doesn't deserve anything of this shit. At first, he needed space when she told him that this whole amnesia, his name tattoed on her back, that scheme was of her own design. Even if she claimed to not remember, how could he trust her? Now it is because he isn't ready to be near her again, there is an unhinged terror that bubbles up inside him at the sight of her. He can't deal with that. He doesn't even know how to deal with that and the truth is that he doesn't know if he ever can.

He has some rules. He likes to be in control of his own life. He appreciates predictability. He keeps his feelings in check. It's all because he cared once for a little girl, and then he lost her and it was his fault. That had almost stripped him of every bit of joy. He became a stern, yet lonely boy. He built walls so high that no one could infiltrate. And he was proud of that.

Kurt doesn't know if Jane was ever Taylor, but nowadays that name is more like a ghost, a reminder to protect himself from caring. For a while when he looked at Jane, he didn't see the ghost. He saw the person standing there, Jane, and all the potential for an 'us', for a future. She is the one who stepped on all those rules he strictly designed. He wished that he could back to only seeing this.

Distancing himself from her was hard, probably the hardest thing he'd ever done. Yet seeing her would be crueler. Because all he can see is blood and he knows he failed someone he cares again. He hates himself for that, he is so terrified that he reverts back to old habits. He does what he does better, he shuts everyone else out. In order to shut Jane out, he had to take extreme measures. Clean break. Detox. He goes through his life on autopilot: work, home, work, home, work. He isn't living, he's just drifting.

* * *

When the day arrives (the _judgement day_ , as Tasha always mocks), Jane is already living by herself. She prefers it that way, not that Patterson wasn't the best roommate ever, it's just that she needs space to put the armor on before she leaves the house. Because if Kurt doesn't want her anymore, well she doesn't want him either.

The first days back are hard and awkward, Kurt barely looking at her. If that wasn't enough, in one of her first times in the field again, she loses communication with the team while chasing a suspect. When the rest of the team hear a shot and Jane doesn't respond, they revive the situation all over again. When they come running, and see her there, alive and fine, they all can breathe again. Reade and Zapata help her to get up, but Kurt just stays far away, but when she passes by him in direction to the car, he stops her by holding her wrist in an iron grip.

"That was stupid and reckless, you should have waited for us. If you can't do teamwork, we should rethink your position," Kurt spits the words. Jane feels like slapping him, like scratching his face until he bleeds the same way she is bleeding right now.

She breaks free of his dominance, and says between gritted teeth, "Sure boss, whatever you say."

Later, Jane stumbles across him in the locker room and before she can make herself known, Kurt punches the door of his locker. "Kurt!" she interjects, "What's wrong?"

Her voice startles him and he jumps a little, "Oh… Jane. It's nothing you should worry about."

"Let me see your hand," she says with an exasperated huff and approaches him. But as expected, he backs off immediately, starting the dance they have shared since the day she came back. But it is a small space, and Jane knows if she keeps pushing, she will corner him. And maybe it's the bad day taking a toll on her, but she tears apart all the transparent guidelines that she has immaculately followed – she doesn't stop until she has him cornered against the lockers

"Let me see your hand, Weller," she commanded coolly.

And the air in her eyes must be chilling enough, because Kurt concedes like a little child. He gives her his hand, and just the contact of her skin, makes him feel alive and afloat. She inspects with a determination that makes her brow furrow and it's so endearing, that Kurt has to stop himself from smoothing that part of her skin.

"I don't think there is much damage, but I would recommend you to stop hitting things." she says with a surly tone and let's go of Kurt's hand. He instantly feels the loss of the touch, and all the exhaustion returns. When she starts to leave, he can't stop his body for seeking the reassurance he so much needs and he holds her wrist.

"Jane, just stay a little longer, please" he whispers, tracing soothing patterns on her wrist. This time the one pressed against the lockers is Jane, and when she gazes at his eyes, it's the calm before the storm, the tenderness in his eyes is back. This is the first time she's really taken the time to look at him. He looks tired and somber, his skin seems paper thin, and there are dark circles under his eyes, but even now he is still her Kurt, solid and warm.

They stand there for a long time, only looking at each other. The only thing moving is Kurt's hand that travels through her hand and arm, leaving a trace of goosebumps. When he lands his hand on her waist, Jane flinches, it's too close to her wound physically and mentally, she remembers the crushing feeling she felt and still feels, for the space he created between them. Kurt removes his touch altogether and when Jane expects him to leave, he stands there right in front of her. He is too close, so close that she can feel his breath on her face, but so far away at the same time. He astonishes her by lifting her shirt and tracing the softest caress over the scar. His touch is firm but delicate, the tips of his fingers wander in all the extension of the scar tissue, leaving Jane's heart at a beating speed well behind the human's limit.

Even though she's furious at him, she wants him, and she needs him, and as much as she tries to hide it, it is the truth. He startles himself by the closeness, he stutters "I… I'm sorry, I have to go." and then he's running away from her again. She is too tired to chase him away, so she just crumbles to the ground, and resting his head in the locker, she can't prevent the sigh that escapes from her.

* * *

Jane had tried to visit the nurses that had treated her so nicely, but the job always seemed to get in the way. So a few day later, when she finally manages to do it, she takes a bouquet of flowers and a big box of bonbons. She appreciates everything that they did for her, always with kind words and an endless tolerance, because Jane is aware of what a terrible patient she was.

They talk for a while about the others patients who were in the hospital at the same time as Jane. Then all of sudden one of the nurses asks "So, have you and the moping guy have made peace already? I mean I think you should forgive him, it is not every man who waits by your bedside the entire time you were in a coma and then visits you every night in the hospital while you are sleeping."

"Wait, what? What are you talking about?" Jane chokes up between the words.

"You know that guy, tall, bluest eyes, nice ass?" laughs one of the nurses.

"He was here?" Jane can't believe what the nurses are saying, because doesn't make any sense.

"Yeah, I mean, he would come when you were sleeping, would sit by the chair, hold your hand, read you a book and then leave before you wake up. You are lucky he was such a good-looking guy, because when he told me what was your favorite pudding flavor, he made sure that I give it to you every day, and ladies, didn't those blues eyes help?" all the nurses nodded in agreement, "When I asked him why he only came when you were sleeping, he said that he didn't deserve you".

Jane feels like crying, she feels like screaming. What a stubborn man Kurt Weller is. What a stubborn, complicated, idiotic man she has fallen in love with. She doesn't know what she would do if the man itself was in front of her, punch him or kiss him.

* * *

It's 3am and Jane hasn't slept yet. She can't stop her thoughts from drifting to Kurt. She's on edge, she wants to see him, and she needs to feel him. So the decision is made even before she knows it. She only pauses to consider everything after knocking on his door.

When Kurt opens the door, he is in pajamas pants and t-shirt, with groggy eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses and a look of confusion. "Jane? What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Where is your security detail?" he asks, immediately turning into Special Agent Kurt Weller.

"I needed to talk to you. Don't worry, I'm not sneaking out, the guys drove me here, and are waiting in the car."

Kurt steps aside and lets her in. He knows this is too much, too dangerous. He almost lost control of his actions in the lockers room, he was so tempted to kiss her and lose himself in her eyes. When he finally managed to get a grip on reality, he practically ran out the FBI building, only stopping when he got home, and all the distance between them was established again. But the physical distance was gone, she was there and it was the time to face her.

When he looks at her, there is a rage behind her eyes that virtually knocks him out, "You are an asshole, Weller! You are such a coward, acting like a lonely and arrogant boy, pushing me away without even considering my feelings. You said you were my friend, so where were you, huh? Where were you when I needed you the most? Do I mean so little to you that you would so easily discard me?" Then she is throwing punches at his chest, but every time her fists hit him in the chest he feels relief. This is almost over, the 'us', because she will say all the nasty words he knows he deserves and she will go, and hate him. And he will have control of his life again.

But when she starts crying and all her strength is lost, he knows he is the defeated one. The plan wasn't to hurt her, he was just protecting himself. Now he sees how stupid and selfish he's been, their lives are too intertwined for this to be just a defensive maneuver on his part.

He gently wraps his arms around her, removing all the space between their bodies. With her hands pressed against his chest, and her head resting on his shoulder, he closes his eyes, and lets himself have this moment. They stay like that until the sobbing dies. They stay like this even when their legs scream for rest. The stay like this even when their arms are tired of the tension. "Easy? Jesus, Jane, you must know it is the hardest thing I ever did in my life." Kurt says and gives a broken laugh, "you are in my every thought, whenever I close my eyes, all I can see is you and…" and he stops speaking abruptly, separating himself from her "you should go Jane, there's nothing to be discussed."

"What were you going to say, Kurt? What do you see when you close your eyes?" Jane presses, "tell me the truth!"

"I see you, Jane, and blood, so much blood. And I can't stand it." Kurt finally admits through gritted teeth and for the first time in a long time Jane can see the Kurt she knows beneath all the bullshit he's been burying himself in. She sees the fear, the vulnerability. "I'm not strong enough to face that possibility. So maybe if I pretend long enough that I don't need you, then it might became a little less like a lie, and breathing becomes a little easier," Kurt confesses, clenching his jaw. Jane can only watch as all his walls are coming down, can see the tears in his eyes and the despair in his posture.

"I'm just gonna ask you this once, Kurt. Do you really want me to go?" There are again tears fighting to get the best of her, but right now she has to be the strong one.

She can't hear what Kurt says, but when he reaches for her like a drowning man, and clasps again his arms around her, she can feel him whispering no, _no, no, please don't_ into her neck. "Why didn't you tell me that you visited me every night?" she whispers against his chest.

"How could you think that I wasn't worried about you? My resolution can be strong, but it's nothing compared to the pull you have over me, sweetheart." says Kurt while running his hands between Jane's hair, it feels light and silky, "you intimidate me Jane, you are constantly unpacking feelings I thought were forever lost, and I can't stop you. That is the lie which I hide behind, because the truth is that I don't want you to ever stop. Before you, I lived a competent life, you know? I wasn't happy but that was okay, because happiness startled me. But then you were there, the most beautiful person I ever laid eyes on, being all badass and amazing and stubborn as hell, always so blunt and infuriating. I don't think you realize how much more I smile know. You make me want to fight for happiness. Well, you may turn me into an optimistic man!"

He realizes that there is no turning back now, that this is it, for the best and the worst, so he takes all the courage he has and asks "Will you stay with me tonight?"

"I'm still mad as hell at you, Kurt Weller, don't think for a moment this conversation is over. But yeah, I'll stay tonight." She smiles as she rests her hands on his chest and tilts her head back. Looking up, she finds his blue eyes, and they don't look haunted anymore, they look like two puddles of affection. She blushes as her smile deepens and asks, "Friends?"

"Yeah, friends." He can't stop himself from kissing her on the mouth, it is barely a touch of lips, just a reassuring gesture, a promise of a future. "We are going to be okay, Jane. I'll make sure of that."


End file.
